Thursday, November 8, 2012

Mental Walls




Recently I was reminded of a time on the swim team when I failed to follow through and finish the race. While the details of the race are long gone, I do remember the end of the race, the feelings afterward and the promise that followed. Specifically on the last lap and the few moments that followed the finish.

Through the whole race I had doubted myself and the importance of it; distance swimming is a strange sport as you dedicate a lot of time to having conversations with yourself in the white noise of swishing water and screams. This time specifically I was tired and hitting the wall from said conversations. Upon reaching halfway across the pool, I mentally had given up and succumbed to self-doubt; decided to check out and coast that final stretch.

Initially it felt good to just give up and put the physical strains behind me. But after touching the wall (swimming's version of the finish line) I looked over at the competitors and realized I had come in just ahead of the slowest of the slow. Not only had I let the team down, but I had let myself down. I had not put my fullest efforts into the race. The race had more significance to me than I had given it credit for. I had plenty of energy; enough to pull myself up and out of the pool without hesitation (the high school pool sat well below the deck, making it a difficult to get out when fatigued).

My heart had sunkin and I felt ill. I cursed myself and inadecuacys. I pulled myself up out of the pool in one swift quick motion, grabbed my towel and headed straight for the couch in the team room. No one approached me and no one seemed to notice what I had done; only adding to my disgust. Sitting there filled with self loathing and physical numbness I quickly promised myself to not do that for the next race later that meet. But that wasn't enough, I took it a step further and vowed never to do that again and make sure that my body would feel like jelly making it difficult to get out of the pool for all races that followed. I kept to that promise through my swim career.

Presently I am reminded of this time in my life because I fear that I haven't fully embraced my lesson. In a phone call with my close friend "A" today, I noticed similarities to my mental conversations over Peregrination RPG and this time in my life. Mentally I had checked out of developing the game. For this I am sorry and I realize this game has more significance than I have given it credit for.  I hope to get moving forward with development again very soon and put myself back on track for a January 7, 2012 deadline for game testing.

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